JOKES ONLY

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Re: JOKES ONLY

Postby Zirco » Wed Apr 27, 2016 8:50 pm

Yes, totally agree.... wuu wuu wuu
:lol: :lol: :lol:
"Do not go gentle into that good night,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light".
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Re: JOKES ONLY

Postby Denis Cromie » Thu Apr 28, 2016 12:06 pm

:lol: :lol:
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Re: JOKES ONLY

Postby Jemser » Thu Apr 28, 2016 12:34 pm

Brilliant Strum, by the way I'm sure I know her!! :lol: :lol: :lol:
I spent a lot of money on booze, birds and fast cars. The rest I just squandered. - George Best 1946-2005
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Re: JOKES ONLY

Postby Snowhite » Wed May 11, 2016 11:31 am

Enda Kenny was visiting an Offaly primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion about words and their meanings.
The teacher asked Mr Kenny if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.
So Mr.Kenny asked the class if they could think of an example of a tragedy.
A little boy stood up and said, 'If a man walks out in front of a bus and is killed stone dead, then that is a tragedy."
'Incorrect,' said Enda 'That would merely be an accident.'
A little girl stood up and said 'If a school bus carrying thirty children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.'
'I'm afraid not', said Enda, 'That's what we would call a great loss'.
The room went silent. No other kid volunteered. Enda searched the room.
'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'
Finally, little Johnny raised his hand from the back of the class and said, 'If a plane carrying you and all the Fine Gael and Labour T.D.s was hit by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.'
'Fantastic!' exclaimed Enda.'And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'
'Well,' said little Johnny, 'It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be a f##king accident either' :lol: :lol:
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Re: JOKES ONLY

Postby grammer » Wed May 11, 2016 6:04 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
sent from my PC and typed on a keyboard (old fashioned black colour) using three fingers
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Re: JOKES ONLY

Postby Rocker » Wed May 11, 2016 7:10 pm

That is a great one Snowy. Going into my repertoire. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: JOKES ONLY

Postby keeper » Wed May 11, 2016 10:00 pm

:D :D :D wuu On my list too !
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Re: JOKES ONLY

Postby Jemser » Thu May 12, 2016 12:09 am

:lol: :lol: :lol:
I spent a lot of money on booze, birds and fast cars. The rest I just squandered. - George Best 1946-2005
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Re: JOKES ONLY

Postby Denis Cromie » Thu May 12, 2016 3:06 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: JOKES ONLY

Postby Snowhite » Sat May 14, 2016 5:31 pm

Image


Love it :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: JOKES ONLY

Postby grammer » Sun May 15, 2016 12:30 am

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
sent from my PC and typed on a keyboard (old fashioned black colour) using three fingers
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Re: JOKES ONLY

Postby Denis Cromie » Tue May 17, 2016 9:05 am

:lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: JOKES ONLY

Postby grammer » Tue May 17, 2016 9:19 am

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
sent from my PC and typed on a keyboard (old fashioned black colour) using three fingers
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Re: JOKES ONLY

Postby Strum » Mon May 23, 2016 2:43 pm

A Yankee lawyer went duck hunt...
A Yankee lawyer went duck hunting in eastern North Carolina. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly gentleman asked him what he was doing. The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, I'm going into retrieve it."
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything!
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things here in North Carolina. We settle small disagreements like this with the NC Three-Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the NC three-Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The Yankee attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old southerner. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the Yankee lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The Yankee lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old redneck southerner, now it's my turn."
The old North Carolina farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
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Re: JOKES ONLY

Postby Rocker » Mon May 23, 2016 3:02 pm

That is great :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: JOKES ONLY

Postby Zirco » Mon Jul 04, 2016 2:01 pm

In fond memory of Caroline Aherne, R.I.P.
Her one liners are legendary, here are a few from other sources. :lol:

'War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.' Ambrose Bierce
'Infamy! Infamy! They've all got it in for me!' Kenneth Williams
'I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.' Mae West
'The English country gentleman galloping after a fox is the unspeakable in full pursuit of the uneatable.' Noel Coward
'I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.' Ken Dodd
'My wife sent her photograph to the Lonely Hearts Club. They sent it back saying they weren't that lonely.' Les Dawson
'Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.' W.C. Fields
'I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.' Tommy Cooper

:lol: :lol: :lol:
"Do not go gentle into that good night,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light".
Dylan Thomas
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Re: JOKES ONLY

Postby Denis Cromie » Wed Jul 06, 2016 4:33 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: JOKES ONLY

Postby Strum » Mon Jul 11, 2016 3:07 pm

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

_____________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

_____________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back;
now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

_______________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

______________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me

for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets

and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that

I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........

________________________________

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.

________________________________


One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot
as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....
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Re: JOKES ONLY

Postby Toss » Mon Jul 11, 2016 5:01 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol:

Husband rushes home and announces 'quick quick pack your bags, YAHOO I've just won the lottery'. She jumps for joy and says ' I always knew you were lucky but should I pack for a Skiing or Sun holiday ?' ...... he says ' I dont care where you go, I want you out of here by 12'. :roll:
According to Myers-Briggs, I'm a "ENTJ-a"....
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Re: JOKES ONLY

Postby Rocker » Wed Jul 13, 2016 1:04 am

Hey Strum and Toss those were great jokes. :lol: :lol: :lol: I was just thinking today you never hear anyone on the street cracking jokes the way they used to....or maybe I am not on the right streets :lol: :lol:
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Re: JOKES ONLY

Postby Strum » Wed Jul 13, 2016 1:29 am

It was raining hard and a big puddle had formed in front of an Irish pub.
An old man stood beside the puddle holding a stick with a string on the end and jiggled it up and down in the water. A curious gentleman asked what he was doing.
‘Fishing,’ replied the old man.
‘Poor old fool’ thought the gentleman, so he invited the old man to have a drink in the pub.
Feeling he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked, ‘And how many have you caught?’

‘You’re the eighth.’ occasion14
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Re: JOKES ONLY

Postby Dancer » Thu Sep 01, 2016 10:31 am

A man walked into the ladies department
and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, 'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.. '
'What type of bra?' asked the clerk.

'Type?' inquires the man, 'There's more than one type?'

' Look around,' said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, colour and material imaginable.
'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from .'

Relieved, the man asked about the types.

The saleslady replied:

'There are the Catholic,
Salvation Army, Presbyterian,
and the Baptist types.
Which one would you prefer?'

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about
the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded, 'It is all really quite simple.'

The Catholic type supports the masses;
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen;
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright;
The Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills....
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E , F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!

{A} Almost Boobs.
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain.
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up!

:lol: :lol:
xx Dancer xx

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Audrey Hepburn
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Re: JOKES ONLY

Postby Denis Cromie » Thu Sep 01, 2016 7:57 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: JOKES ONLY

Postby Jemser » Fri Sep 02, 2016 12:01 am

:lol: :lol: :lol:
I spent a lot of money on booze, birds and fast cars. The rest I just squandered. - George Best 1946-2005
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Re: JOKES ONLY

Postby Jemser » Wed Nov 09, 2016 10:39 am

I hear all the building sites in Ireland are at a stand still this morning, as five plane loads of bricklayers head to the USA to start building THE WALL. :lol:
I spent a lot of money on booze, birds and fast cars. The rest I just squandered. - George Best 1946-2005
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