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Postby Snowhite » Wed Jan 10, 2007 12:11 am

I used to be SNOW WHITE...........but i drifted.........just a bit. :raflao:
Life isn't tied with a Bow, But it's still a Gift.
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Postby spudseamus » Wed Jan 10, 2007 12:12 am

as pure as the driven snow --- goin a bit slushy :rfl:
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Postby Snowhite » Wed Jan 10, 2007 12:14 am

NEVER!!!!!!!! Slushy, Spud. :hayla: Not that kinda girl. :makeyes:
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Postby Snowhite » Wed Jan 10, 2007 1:17 am

Like your Irish Banner, Frodo. :cool:
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Postby Snowhite » Wed Jan 10, 2007 1:21 am

The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.


"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband
demanded.
"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."
The Englishman immediately reaches into his
pocket and says,
"For the sake of decency, here's £50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies.
"Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?"
She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me." He reaches into his
pocket and says,

"For the sake of decency, here's £20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
"Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?"
She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any."
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says,

"Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb...Tidy yerself up a bit."
Life isn't tied with a Bow, But it's still a Gift.
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Postby Snowhite » Wed Jan 10, 2007 1:26 am

Men are like....

1. Men are like ..Laxatives ...... They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like.Bananas ... The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like ......Weather Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like .......Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like .....Chocolate Bars . Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like ...Commercials ....... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like .....Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like .....Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like Popcorn ... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like Snowstorms .... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like ....Lava Lamps .. Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like Parking Spots . All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped. :rfl:
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Killiney golf club.

Postby farmboy » Wed Jan 10, 2007 10:35 pm

Image Now what I wanna know is did they put the wall there to stop the lady captain goin over the side or wha? :D
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Postby spudseamus » Thu Jan 11, 2007 5:20 am

:rfl: :rfl: :rfl: :rfl: :rfl: :rfl: :rfl: :rfl: :rfl: :rfl: :rfl: :rfl: :rfl: :rfl: :rfl: :rfl: :rfl: :rfl: :rfl: :rfl: :rfl: :rfl: :rfl: :rfl: :rfl: :rfl: :rfl: :rfl: :rfl: :rfl: :rfl: :rfl: :rfl: :rfl: :rfl: :rfl: :rfl: :rfl: :rfl: :rfl: :rfl: :rfl: :rfl: :rfl: :rfl: :rfl: :rfl: :rfl: :rfl: :rfl: :rfl: :rfl: :rfl: :rfl: :rfl: :rfl: :rfl: :rfl: :rfl: :rfl: :rfl: :rfl: :rfl: :rfl: :rfl: ohhh stop! me side hurts!!!
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Postby Plastic Paddy » Thu Jan 11, 2007 3:28 pm

I`ve got home early today, a mate sent me this one via email and because I work in the building game it tickled me. We have had some quality jokes put up here so thanks to all and keep them comming.

This is a quick story about the bond formed between a little girl and a group of building workers.

It's allegedly true and makes you want to believe in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race.

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant building.

One day Willie and a gang of building workers turned up to start building a house on the empty plot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.

She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot.

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

They even gave her very own hard hat and gloves. At the end of the first week they presented her with a pay envelope containing two pounds in 10p coins.

The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank the cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'. "You must have worked very hard to earn all this" said the bank cashier.

The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all last week with the men building a big house." "My goodness gracious," said the cashier, "Will you be working on the house again this week, as well?"

The little girl thought for a moment and said, "I think so. Provided those c*nts at Jewson deliver the f*cking bricks." :D PP

Now back to finnish some paper work
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Postby Plastic Paddy » Thu Jan 11, 2007 8:18 pm

Another silly one


A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, says: "Please can you give me a Push?"

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunken guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not! Its 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us?

I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes" comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband "Yes, Please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk!!!
:D PP
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Postby Snowhite » Thu Jan 11, 2007 8:22 pm

:raflao: :raflao:
Life isn't tied with a Bow, But it's still a Gift.
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Postby Plastic Paddy » Thu Jan 11, 2007 10:22 pm

A 47 year-old lady gets a facelift. It turns out very well and
she enjoys showing off her new look. She goes to the newsstand
and asks the man, "Sir, how old do you think I am?"
The manreplies ''You're 30, right?''
She says "No, I'm 47, but nice try."
The next day, she goes to McDonald's. She orders her
lunch and asks the young man at the counter, "How old do you
think I am?"
The man replies, "You're 37, right?"
The lady says "No, I'm 47, but good guess." After lunch, she gets on
the bus and she asks an 85-year-old man how old she is. He
replies ''Lady, I can tell how old any woman is by sticking my
hand down her panties.'' So, quietly and quickly, she lets him
do so. He thinks a moment and announces, ''You're 47!'' The
lady, astonished, asks, ''How did you know?'' The old man
replies "I was standing right behind you at McDonald's." :D PP

Silly Joke
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Postby Snowhite » Fri Jan 12, 2007 12:59 am

This guy was lonely, and decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.
So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede which came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a beer or two. So he asked the pet, "Would you like to go to Sam's with me and have a beer?"
But there was no answer from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again,
"How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?"
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.
So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting,
"Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Sam's place and have a drink with me?"
A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes."
Life isn't tied with a Bow, But it's still a Gift.
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Postby Plastic Paddy » Fri Jan 12, 2007 5:36 pm

Another silly one

Learn Chinese in 5 minutes...(You MUST Practice Outloud!)


1) That's not right ..................Sum Ting Wong

2) Are you harbouring a fugitive?......Hu Yu Hai Ding

3) See me ASAP........................Kum Hia Nao

4) Stupid Man ........................Dum Fuk

5) Small Horse .......................Tai Ni Po Ni

6) Did you go to the beach? ..........Wai Yu So Tan

7) I bumped into a coffee table ......Ai Bang Mai FaKin Ni

I think you need a face lift ......Chin Tu Fat

9) It's very dark in here ............Wao So Dim

10) I thought you were on a diet .....Wai Yu Mun Ching

11) This is a tow away zone ..........No Pah King

12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week ...Wai Yu Kum Nao

13) Staying out of sight ..............Lei Ying Lo

14) He's cleaning his automobile ......Wa Shing Ka

15) Your body odor is offensive .......Yu Stin Ki Pu

16) Great .............................Fa Kin Su Pah :D PP Stupid but funny ;-)
Plastic Paddy
 

Postby Plastic Paddy » Mon Jan 15, 2007 1:34 am

((RING)) ((RING))

(Pick Up). "Hello?

Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mammy near the phone?

No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul"

(After a brief pause). Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.

Oh yes I do and he's upstairs in the room with Mammy, right now
Brief Pause Uh, okay then, .this is what I want you to do.
Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the
bedroom door, and shout to Mammy that Daddy's car just pulled
into the drive

Okay Daddy, just a minute

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.
I did it Daddy. And what happened honey?" he asked.
Well, Mammy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes
on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug,
hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?

He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all
scared, and he jumped out of the back window and into the
swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the
water last week to clean it.
He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.

Long Pause.

Longer Pause.

Then Daddy says, Swimming pool?... Is this 486-5731 ? :D PP
Plastic Paddy
 

Postby Snowhite » Mon Jan 15, 2007 1:40 am

:rfl: :rfl: :D
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Postby FLATLAD » Mon Jan 15, 2007 6:33 pm

PP yer a gas man :rfl:
Simplicity is the key
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Postby Plastic Paddy » Tue Jan 16, 2007 2:35 am

A guy dies and goes to hell. He knocks cautiously on the door, and a demon opens the gate. " Come in mate, you'll catch your death out there! Why you looking so worried? It's not such a bad place. Isn't as bad as the publicity." " Really," the guys says, " I thought it was really bad down here?"
" Not at all, mate. Do you like a drink? Mondays it's 10 pints of Guiness, then tequila slammers. After you've puked, we have large whiskies with Magners chasers. Goes on all night. Magic!"
Guy says, " Sounds great to me, I love a drink."
"Tuesdays it's smoking, we get these fabulous Cuban cigars. Do you like a smoke. No lung cancer down here. Me I smoke a 100 Park Drive a day. Untipped!"
" Getting better all the time. What about Wednesday?"
"D'ya like gambling? We got roulette, slots, blackjack, and the best bit is you're dead. Can't be declared bankrupt!"
" I've always love'd gambling," he says.
" Do you like drugs?" the demon says. " On Thursday, we've got bowls of coke, with smack, speed, whatever you like. I make these wicked spliffs. 2 foot long, takes 40 Bensons and a 1/2 ounce of finest Afghan to fill 'em."
" Brilliant," says the guy," I was in my teens in the 60's, there was nothing I didn't try!"
" Well Friday, are you gay?"
" Hell, no! I've always thought that was disgusting!"
" OOOOOOOH, OOOOOOH. I don't think you're going to enjoy Fridays!" :D PP
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Postby Kav » Tue Jan 16, 2007 6:11 am

^^^^^^^^^ :rfl: :rfl: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ brill :D
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Postby spudseamus » Tue Jan 16, 2007 10:17 am

OMG!! i dont like fridays -- oh tell me why ?? lol good one
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Postby Plastic Paddy » Wed Jan 17, 2007 5:47 pm

It all gets too much for this little old lady, and her daughters decide it's time for her to move into a nursing home.
They check a few out, and they find a lovely one with lots of carers and lovely rooms. They take her in, settle her in for the night and leave.
The next morning she is woken by a carer, and taken down to a flower- filled dining room, and given a lovely breakfast.
Afterwards, staff take her into the recreation room, where they sit her down in a comfortable armchair beside the window where she can look out on the beautiful landscaped gardens.
After a while, she slowly starts to lean over sideways.
An attentive carer rushes over and straightens her up. A little while later, she starts to lean over in the other direction.
A carer rushes over, straightens her up, settles her and returns to a desk.
This goes on for the rest of the morning, until the ladie's daughters arrive, to check that she's settled in.
" Well, mum, are you well. Settling in?"

" Well," she says, " It's quite nice, but they won't let me fart!" :D PP
Plastic Paddy
 

Postby Snowhite » Wed Jan 17, 2007 5:57 pm

Would you believe we used that as part of a sketch about a nursing home,and it went down a strom,. :rfl: :rfl: :rfl:
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Postby Plastic Paddy » Wed Jan 17, 2007 6:00 pm

Snowy it`s about the cleanest joke I`ve got :D PP
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Postby Snowhite » Wed Jan 17, 2007 6:03 pm

Now why does that surprise me. :rfl: :rfl: :whip: :hayla:
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Postby Plastic Paddy » Wed Jan 17, 2007 6:04 pm

Another old one but worthy of a giggle



Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day.

Mick, the bartender says, " You'll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy." Paddy replies, "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then." Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.

"Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.

He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, "Shoite, Shoite!"

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.

He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better
and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.

"Bi'Jasus...I'm fockin' focked," he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.

He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin' way".

He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed." He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says "Fock it" and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?".

Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?"

"Mick phoned, . . . You left your wheelchair at the pub." :D PP
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