JOKES ONLY

NO JOKING MATTER! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED! PLEASE BE AWARE THAT THERE IS OFFENSIVE LANGUAGE AND IMAGES IN THIS FORUM

Postby Snowhite » Sun Jan 07, 2007 12:35 pm

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man said, "I do Father." The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall." Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?" "Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father." The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
Life isn't tied with a Bow, But it's still a Gift.
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Postby Plastic Paddy » Mon Jan 08, 2007 5:15 pm

Weekend Training Course for men only

The wife has booked me on this one


NEW WEEKEND COURSE FOR MEN!!!

ALL ARE WELCOME
OPEN TO MEN ONLY


Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants

The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:



DAY ONE

HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation

TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)

DISHES & SILVERWARE; DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts.

LOSS OF VIRILITY
Losing the remote control to your significant other - Help line and support groups

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming - Open forum


DAY TWO

EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role play

HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did

IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation

LIVING WITH ADULTS; BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER
Online class and role playing

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class

GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counsellors available

PP
Plastic Paddy
 

Postby hayla » Mon Jan 08, 2007 5:20 pm

Let us know how many you pass won't ya plastic :makeyes:
Image Never say never!!
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Postby Snowhite » Mon Jan 08, 2007 5:21 pm

Brilliant,PP can my hubby go with ye. :rfl:
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Postby Plastic Paddy » Mon Jan 08, 2007 5:22 pm

A Crack found on Governor's Daughter

Something went wrong in Jet crash, experts say

Police begin campaign to run down jay-walkers

Is there a ring of debris around Uranus?

Panda mating fails; Vetinarian takes over

Miners refuse to work after death

Juvenile Court to try shooting defendant

War dims hope of peace

If Strike isn't settled quickly, it may last a while

Cold wave linked to temperature

Enfield couple slain; Police suspect Homicide

Red tape holds up new bridges

Man struck by lightning: faces battery charge

New study of obesity looks for larger test group

Astronaut takes blame for gas in spacecraft

Kids make delicious snacks

Local high- school drop- outs cut in half

Hospitals are sued by seven foot doctors

Typhoon rips through cemetery; hundreds dead

Beleve it or not these are actual news headlines

PP
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Postby Snowhite » Mon Jan 08, 2007 5:30 pm

:rfl: ;-) :cool:
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Postby hayla » Mon Jan 08, 2007 5:47 pm

Plastic Paddy wrote:
Juvenile Court to try shooting defendant

Red tape holds up new bridge

Beleve it or not these are actual news headlines

PP

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Image Never say never!!
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Postby Snowhite » Mon Jan 08, 2007 6:08 pm

:bold: PP. :halya5:
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Postby Plastic Paddy » Mon Jan 08, 2007 6:37 pm

NEW EU DIRECTIVEEuropean Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the

official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other

possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling

had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would

become known as "Euro-English".


In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the


sivil servants jump with joy.


The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and

keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph"

will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the

stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a

deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful

and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and

"w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and

after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech

oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
Plastic Paddy
 

Postby hayla » Mon Jan 08, 2007 6:40 pm

enviro will love that one plastic :D
Image Never say never!!
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Postby Plastic Paddy » Mon Jan 08, 2007 8:00 pm

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, and painfully, up onto a stool.

After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "arthritis."

PP
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Postby Plastic Paddy » Mon Jan 08, 2007 8:02 pm

Two friends were in a bar drinking beer, when one pulled out a cigar.

He didn't have a lighter, so he asked his friend if he had one.

"I sure do," his friend replied, reached into his pocket and pulled out a 10-inch Bic lighter.

"Wow!" said his friend, "where did you get that monster?"

"I got it from my genie."

"You have a genie?"

"Yes, he's right here in my pocket."

"Could I see him?"

He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a very small genie.

The friend said to the genie, "I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?"

"Yes I will," the genie said.

The man asks him for a million fivers.

The genie hops back into his master's pocket and leaves the man standing there, waiting for his million fivers.

Soon, a man in a frogsuit walks into the bar, followed by another, then another, then another. Before long the entire bar has divers everywhere.

The friend tells his buddy, "What is going on here, I asked for a million fivers, not divers!"

He answers, "I forgot to tell you, the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 10 inch Bic?” :D

PP
Plastic Paddy
 

Postby Plastic Paddy » Mon Jan 08, 2007 8:07 pm

A blond girl goes to Social Security to register for child
benefit.

"How many children?" asks the clerk.

"10" replies the blond girl.

"10 !!!" says the clerk.. "What are their names?"

"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and
Wayne."

"Doesn't that get confusing?"

"Naah..." says the blond girl" iss great cos if they're out playing
in the
street I just have to shout WAAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY or WAAAYNE
GO TO BED NOW and they all do it..."

"But what if you want to speak to one individually?" says the
perturbed
clerk.

"Thass easy," says the blond girl... "I just use their surnames." :D

PP
Plastic Paddy
 

Postby Snowhite » Mon Jan 08, 2007 8:10 pm

:rfl: PP i think we should call you "THE JOKER." :rfl: :rfl: :makeyes:
Life isn't tied with a Bow, But it's still a Gift.
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Postby Plastic Paddy » Mon Jan 08, 2007 8:20 pm

Panda car patrolling through the back roads of Essex. He comes round a bend and there's a gap in the hedge, and a pink BMW on it's roof in the middle of the field.
He stops and walks across the field, there's a blonde still strapped in to the drivers seat.
He undoes the straps and gets her out. Sits her down on the grass.
"What happened?" he says.
"Well, I was just drivin' along, I look dahn to put in a noo CD. I look up and I see a great big fir tree in front of me. I swerve to the left, there's another one, I swerve to the right, there's another, I swerve and swerve,then I lose control," and she bursts into tears.
The policeman stands up, looks around. For miles, there's fields and low hedges. He walks over to the car, looks in.
He walks back to the girl and kneels down.
"Madam, that was your air-freshener. PP
:D
Plastic Paddy
 

Postby Plastic Paddy » Tue Jan 09, 2007 6:44 pm

[[B]size=12]Old one but still funny[/size]

irish Gard pulls over a lorry and say,
we have been following you for the last 5 miles
and you have lost half your load,
driver replies that is no surprise because i am a (Censored) gritter!! :D

PP
Plastic Paddy
 

Postby Plastic Paddy » Tue Jan 09, 2007 6:48 pm

A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, "You going to die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die. What is first wish?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse."
The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the ass. The horse takes off.
Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man - can only think of one thing."
The second day, the chief says, "What your wish today?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again."
The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horses ear, then slaps it on the ass.
Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man - going to die tomorrow and can only think of one thing."
The last day comes, and the chief says, "This your last wish, white man. What you want?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again."
The Indians bring him his horse.
The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, Read my lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!" :D PP
Plastic Paddy
 

Postby Plastic Paddy » Tue Jan 09, 2007 6:53 pm

For his birthday, Little Johnny asked for a 10 speed bicycle.

His father said, "Son, we'd love to give you one, but the mortgage on this house is £80,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."

The next day the father saw Little Johnny heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"

Little Johnny told him, "I was walking past your room last night and I heard you tell mum you were pulling out. I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.

And I'll be damned if I'm sticking around here by myself with an £80,000 mortgage and no transport" :D

PP
Plastic Paddy
 

Postby Plastic Paddy » Tue Jan 09, 2007 7:05 pm

A young northern man called Rob invited his mother for dinner, during the course of
the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how handsome Rob's flatmate,
Craig, was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two,
and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she
started to wonder if there was more between Rob and his flatmate than met the eye.

Reading his mums thoughts, Rob volunteered, "I know what you must be
thinking, but I assure you, Craig & I are just flatmates".

About a week later, Craig came to Rob saying, "Ever since your mother came
to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she
took it do you?" "Well I doubt it, but I'll email her just to be sure" said Rob.

So he sat down and wrote:
"DEAR MOTHER, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID" TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY
HOUSE, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID NOT" TAKE THE FRYING PAN, BUT THE FACT
REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.LOVE
ROB"

Several days later, Rob received an email from his mother which read:
"DEAR SON, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO" SLEEP WITH CRAIG, AND I'M NOT
SAYING THAT YOU "DO NOT" SLEEP WITH CRAIG, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF HE WAS
SLEEPING IN HIS OWN BED, HE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY NOW.LOVE MUM

Lesson of the day, NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER (SHE ALWAYS, ALWAYS FINDS OUT) :D

PP
Plastic Paddy
 

Postby Snowhite » Tue Jan 09, 2007 10:19 pm

A fireman is polishing his fire engine outside the fire station
when
he
> >>>>notices a little girl next door in a little red cart with little
> >>>>ladders hung on the side and garden hose tightly coiled in the
middle.
> >>>>The little girl is wearing a fireman's helmet and has the cart
tied to
> >>>>a dog and a cat.
> >>>>
> >>>>The firefighter walks over to take a closer look, 'that's a
lovely
fire
> >>>>engine,' he says admiringly.
> >>>>
> >>>>'Thanks,' says the little girl.
> >>>>
> >>>>The fireman looks closer and notices the little girl has tied one
of
> >>>>the cart's strings to the dog's collar and one to the cat's
testicles.
> >>>>
> >>>>'Little colleague,' says the firefighter, 'I don't want to tell
you
how
> >>>>to run your fire engine, but if you were to tie that rope around
the
> >>>>cat's collar, I think you could probably go a lot faster.'
> >>>>
> >>>>The little girl pauses for a moment, looks at the wagon, at the
dog
and
> >>>>at the cat, then shyly looks into the fireman's eyes and says
> >>>>
> >>>>You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a f**king siren,
would
> >>>>I?
Life isn't tied with a Bow, But it's still a Gift.
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Postby Snowhite » Tue Jan 09, 2007 10:22 pm

Thought you might like to TRY this one!
Ye ken yir Scottish when……..
1…you kin properly pronounce - McConnochie, Ecclefechan Milngavie, Sauchiehall St, Enoch, Menzies,
Auchtermuchty and Aufurfuksake.
2. …Ye actually like deep fried battered pizza fae the chippie.
3. …..Ye get four seasons in wan day.
4….. Ye canny pass a chip/kebab shop withoot slaverin when yer blootert. (pissed)
5. ….Ye kin fall about pished withoot spilling yer drink.
6. ……Ye see people wear shell suits with burberry accessories - pure class!
7. ………..Ye measure distance in minutes.
8. ……Ye kin understaun Rab C Nesbitt and know characters just like him - in yer ain family.
9. …..Ye go tae Saltcoats cos ye think it is like gaun tae the ocean.
10. ……Ye kin make hael sentences jist wae sweer wurds.
11. …Ye know whit haggis is made fae and stull like eating it.
12. …Somedy ye know his used a fitba schedule tae plan thur wedding day date.
13…… You've been at a wedding and fitba scores are announced in the Church/Chapel.

14. ….Ye urny surprised tae find curries, pizzas, kebabs, fish n chips,irn-bru, fags and nappies all in the wan shop.

15……. Yer holiday home at the seaside has calor gas under it.
16…….. A big flash car has a ned at the wheel.
17. ……Ye know irn-bru is a hangover cure.
18. ……Ye learnt tae sweer afore ye learnt tae dae sums.
19. …..Ye actually understand this and yurr gonnae send it tae yer pals.
20. Finally, you are 100% Scottish if you have ever said/heard
these
words...

a) how's it hingin
b) yourgonnaegetyerfikinheidkiktin
c) clatty
d) boggin
e) cludgie
f) p!shed
g) get it up ye
h) wee beasties

j) amurny
k) away an bile yer heid
l) peely-wally
m) humphey backit
n) numpty-heid
o) baw bag
p) dubble nugget
True Story –
A Wee Glesca wumman goes intae a butchershop, where the butcher has just came oot the freezer, and is standing haunds (hands) ahint his back,with his rear end aimed at an electric fire.
The wee wumman checks oot the display case then asks, "Is that yerAyrshire bacon?"
Naw," replies the butcher. "It's jist ma haun's Ah'm heatin'."
Life isn't tied with a Bow, But it's still a Gift.
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Postby Kav » Tue Jan 09, 2007 10:27 pm

^^^^^^^^^^ i'm so glad i'm Irish :rfl: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

(but living in Glasgow :-(
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Postby Snowhite » Tue Jan 09, 2007 10:29 pm

Bet you can say everyone of them. :blah: :rfl: :hayla:
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Postby Kav » Tue Jan 09, 2007 10:33 pm

Snowhite wrote:Bet you can say everyone of them. :blah: :rfl: :hayla:



:oops: hands up to that.
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Postby Plastic Paddy » Tue Jan 09, 2007 10:33 pm

Goodness Gracious Snow White you used to be so pure. :whip: ;-)

Way to girl, I laughed so much I might even buy a round :rfl: :rfl:
Plastic Paddy
 

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