JOKES ONLY

NO JOKING MATTER! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED! PLEASE BE AWARE THAT THERE IS OFFENSIVE LANGUAGE AND IMAGES IN THIS FORUM

Postby Snowhite » Sat Jan 06, 2007 1:19 am

A blonde who had been unemployed for several months got a job with The Public Works. She was to paint lines down the centre of a rural road.The supervisor told her that she was on probation and that she must stay at or above the set average of 2 miles per day to remain employed.The blonde agreed to the conditions and started right away. The supervisor checking up at the end of the day, found that the blonde had completed 4 miles on her first day, double the average! "great" he tol her, " i think your're really going to work out.
The next day, however, he was disppointed to find that the blonde only got 2 miles painted,he thought, " Well she's still at the average and i dont want to discourage her, so i'll just keep queit. On the third day, the blonde only did one mile and the boss thought, I need to talk to her before this get's any worse.
The boss pulled the new employee in and said "You were doing so great, the first day you did 4 miles, the second day 2 miles, but yesterday you only did 1mile. Why?Is there a problem,? An injury,equipment failure ?What's keeping you from meeting the 2 mile minimum?"
The blonde replied " Well each day i keep getting farther and farther away from the bucket"
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Postby spudseamus » Sat Jan 06, 2007 1:28 am

a yank runs into a bar in Ireland " Quick Paddy tell me whats the quickest way to Dublin" well sayd Paddy are ya drivin' or walkin' Driving says the yank " well says Paddy that IS the quickest way to Dublin"
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Postby Snowhite » Sat Jan 06, 2007 1:29 am

:rfl:
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Weeweechu!

Postby Strum » Sat Jan 06, 2007 2:40 am

Weeweechu!


One beautiful December evening, Huan Cho and his girlfriend Jung Lee were sitting, overlooking the ocean.

There was a romantic full moon, when Huan Cho said, "Hey, let's play Weeweechu."

"Oh no, not now, let's just look at the moon" said Jung Lee.

"Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I play Weeweechu.

I love you and this is the perfect time," Huan Cho begged.

"But I'd rather just hold your hand and watch the moon," Jung Lee said.

"Please, Jung Lee, just once, play Weeweechu with me."

Jung Lee looked at Huan Cho and said, "All right, we'll play Weeweechu."

Huan Cho grabbed his guitar and they both started to sing ....

"Weeweechu a merry Christmas..."
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Postby Snowhite » Sat Jan 06, 2007 2:41 am

:rfl: :rfl:
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Postby Plastic Paddy » Sat Jan 06, 2007 11:21 am

This woman goes into her doctors. She says, Doctor. I've had four kids. I'm not as tight " down there" as I used to be. Can plastic surgery do anything to help?"
He says, " Certainly, I'll refer you to a consultant and we should be able to sort things out."
The consultant checks her out, announces it will be an easy procedure, and arranges the operation.
Afew weeks later she goes into theatre, and wakes up on the ward surrounded by flowers, three large bouquets, after the operation. The doctor sees that she's come round, and walks over.
" Congratulations, the operation was a complete success. Some snipping and sewing, and you are just like a sixteen year old again."
She says, " I'm so relieved doctor, but who sent me these lovely flowers?"
The doctor looks at the labels and says," Well the first bouquet is from your family, they heard you were in for an operation, and they wish you well. The second bouquet is from your husband. He knew you were having the operation because of your love for him, and he sends all his love."
" And the third?" she says.
" Oh, thats from Mr. Johnson on the burns ward. He says he's over the moon with the new ears we built for him."

pp
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Postby Plastic Paddy » Sat Jan 06, 2007 11:24 am

Murphy walks into a bar. He's got 2 black eyes, his nose is bleeding and his lip is all puffed up. He orders a large whiskey.
The barman serves him and says, " Jayzus, Murphy, what happened to you?"
Murphy says, " I got into a fight with O'Malley."
"Jayzus!" the barman said. That little sh*ite? How did he manage that?"
Murphy says, " He had a shovel in his hands, so he got the best of me."
" Jayzus, Murphy, didn't you have anything in your hands?"
"Errr... Yes, Mrs. O'Malley's t*ts. Theyr'e the finest in Dublin, but theyr'e no feckin' use in a fight!

pp
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Postby Snowhite » Sat Jan 06, 2007 12:28 pm

:rfl: :rfl: :D
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Postby spudseamus » Sun Jan 07, 2007 1:02 am

:rfl: :rfl: :rfl: :rfl: :D
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Postby Snowhite » Sun Jan 07, 2007 1:47 am

Jimy-Joe went to a pet shop and asked how many budgies were in stock. "We have 99" replied the shop owner "Give us the lot" said the Jimmy-Joe, paid for them and left. He went to a tailors shop and had 99 pockets sewn into a jacket, put a budgie in each pocket, went up to the Post Office Tower and jumped off.

He hit the ground with an almighty smack and lay there groaning until a passer-by came and asked him what had happened. "I don't know sur" he replied "but that's the last time I try that budgie jumping"
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Postby spudseamus » Sun Jan 07, 2007 1:50 am

:roll:
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Postby Snowhite » Sun Jan 07, 2007 1:50 am

Mick and Paddy were walking home after a night on the beer when a severed head rolled along the ground.
Mick picked it up to his face and said to Paddy "Jez, that look like Sean" to which Paddy replied "No Sean was taller than that"
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Postby Snowhite » Sun Jan 07, 2007 1:52 am

It was Paddy and Seamus giving the motorcycle a ride on a brisk autumn day. After a wee bit, Paddy who was sitt'n behind Seamus on the bike began to holler ..."Seamus ... Seamus ... the wind is cutt'n me chest out!"

"Well, Paddy my lad," said Seamus, "why don't you take your jacket off and turn it from front to back ... that'll block the wind for you."

So Paddy took Seamus' advice and turned his jacket from front to back and got back on the bike and the two of them were off down the road again. After a bit, Seamus turned to talk to Paddy and was horrified to see that Paddy was not there. Seamus immediately turned the bike around and retraced their route. When after a short time he came to a turn and saw a bunch of farmers standing around Paddy who was sitting on the ground.

"T'anks be to heaven, is he alright?" Seamus hailed to the farmers.
"Well," said one of the farmers, " he was alright when we found him here .. but since we turned his head back to front .. he hasn't said a word since!"
Life isn't tied with a Bow, But it's still a Gift.
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Postby Snowhite » Sun Jan 07, 2007 1:58 am

A cop pulls up Barty and Joey-Jim, both the worse for drink, and says to the first,

"What's your name and address?"

"I'm Barty O'Day, of no fixed address."

The cop turns to the second drunk, and asks the same question.

"I'm Joey-Jim O'Flaherty, and I live in the flat above Barty."
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Postby Kav » Sun Jan 07, 2007 4:35 am

Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive? :shock:
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Postby Kav » Sun Jan 07, 2007 4:39 am

Winging his way to America from Ireland, Father O'Leary asked a stewardess, "How high is this plane, Miss?" The stewardess replied, "About thirty-two thousand feet, Father." The Father's jaw dropped in amazement. "Who'd have believed it? And could ye tell me how wide it is?"
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Postby Kav » Sun Jan 07, 2007 4:47 am

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he couldn't stand still. He asked Father Murphy for some advice. Father Murphy replied,
"When I'm worried about gettin' nervous on the pulpit, I take a wee bit o' whiskey. Just to calm my nerves."
So the next Sunday he took the older priest's advice. Before the mass, he got nervous and took a drink. He then proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

1. A few sips of whiskey. Not the whole bottle.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as

Senior, Junior, and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say

"He was stoned off his ass."

10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this

and eat it, for it is my body"; he did not say, "Eat me."

12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks

for the grub, yea God"

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Michael's

not a Michael-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
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Postby Kav » Sun Jan 07, 2007 4:54 am

would ya look at the time :shock: , i'll never make 10am mass in the morning :D :rfl:
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Frodo

Postby Plastic Paddy » Sun Jan 07, 2007 11:49 am

You`ve made me laugh so much, I was taking a mouth full of coffee and ended up spitting it out over me pooter :rfl: :rfl:
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Be careful with Viaga

Postby Plastic Paddy » Sun Jan 07, 2007 11:55 am

A little silver- haired old lady goes into the doctors.
She explains that it's her husband, not her has the problem. He refuses to make love to her any more. She is sure V!agra will sort him out, but he refuses to take any form of drugs.
The doctor says," Why don't you put the V!agra in his coffee? It's tasteless, he'll never know."
She agrees, and rushes off with the pills.
A couple of weeks later, she comes in to renew a prescription, and he asks how the V!agra turned out.
" Terrible " she says. " I had the most intense sexual experience of my life. I had no idea it worked so quickly. I slipped it into his coffee as you suggested. After 2 minutes, he jumped to his feet, ripped off his clothes to expose a huge, throbbing erection. He then tore off my clothes, lay me on the table and performed sloppy oral sex, before a long and noisy missionary position. Then he turned me over on the table, before he stuck it up my......"
" Ahem," said the doctor, " Are you telling me you didn't enjoy all this?"
" Oh, yes doctor, I enjoyed every minute . I'll be too embarassed to ever set foot in that branch of McDonalds again though."

PP
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Bleedin Welsh!!

Postby Plastic Paddy » Sun Jan 07, 2007 11:58 am

A couple of tourists are sat in a cafe in Llanfairpwllgwyngychgogerychwrnllantisilliogogogoch
They call the waitress over. " Excuse me love, we're having a disagreement about where we are. Could you pronounce it for us, but slowly?"
"Certainly, " she says." Burrrrrr Gurrrrrr Kiiiiiiing

PP
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Postby Plastic Paddy » Sun Jan 07, 2007 12:01 pm

A little rabbit is running happily through the forest when he comes across a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at the giraffe and says,

"Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come. Run with me through the forest! You'’ll feel so much better!"

The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, throws it and goes off running with the rabbit.

They come across an elephant doing coke. The rabbit again, says,

"Elephant, my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come. Run with us through the pretty forest, you''ll see, it feels so good!"

The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and coke, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.

The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up.

"Lion, my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come. Run with us through the beautiful forest and you'’ll feel so good!"

The lion looks at him, puts down his needle and mauls the rabbit.

The giraffe and elephant watch in horror, look at him and ask,

"Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help you.”

The lion answers,

"That little ba stard! He makes me run around the forest like a fecking idiot every time he's on ecstasy!"

PP
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Postby Snowhite » Sun Jan 07, 2007 12:05 pm

:rfl: :rfl: :rfl:
Life isn't tied with a Bow, But it's still a Gift.
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Postby Snowhite » Sun Jan 07, 2007 12:24 pm

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman went into a pub for a pint of Guinness one day. After being served a fly landed in each of their pints and stuck in the creamy heads. The Englishman pushed his pint away from him in disgust and proceeded to order another pint. The Scotsman simply fished the offending fly out with his finger and proceeded to drink his pint as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, eyes wide with anger grabbed the fly and held it over his pint shouting "SPIT IT OUT!!! SPIT IT OUT YOU B-----d!!!.
Life isn't tied with a Bow, But it's still a Gift.
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Postby Snowhite » Sun Jan 07, 2007 12:29 pm

Molloy and Murphy out fishing and the motor packed in on the boat, Molloy says to Murphy what are we going to do now? Murphy say we'll just have to wait for help. After two days they are 40 miles from the coast and come across a bottle, Molloy opens the bottle and out pops a genie who grants them one wish - quick as a flash Molloy says turn the sea into Guinness and of course the sea is black with Guinness - Murphy says "You stupid fool now we'll have to pi-- in the boat. "
Life isn't tied with a Bow, But it's still a Gift.
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