JOKES ONLY

NO JOKING MATTER! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED! PLEASE BE AWARE THAT THERE IS OFFENSIVE LANGUAGE AND IMAGES IN THIS FORUM

Re: JOKES ONLY

Postby skins » Fri Jan 27, 2017 1:36 pm

Only in Britain -Complaints to Councils
Extracts from letters written by council tenants:

1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.

6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.

11. The next door neighbour has got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.

15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.

18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife..

20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.

22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
Skins
User avatar
skins
Executive Member
 
Posts: 906
Joined: Sat Aug 30, 2008 7:29 pm
Location: Arklow

Re: JOKES ONLY

Postby Toss » Fri Jan 27, 2017 4:59 pm

wuu wuu wuu wuu wuu good one Skins ... love No 3 :lol:
According to Myers-Briggs, I'm a "ENTJ-a"....
User avatar
Toss
Somewhere over the rainbow
 
Posts: 1910
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 3:48 pm
Location: A figment of your imagination

Re: JOKES ONLY

Postby Denis Cromie » Fri Jan 27, 2017 6:10 pm

Shudden be allowed,but I like them. :lol:
User avatar
Denis Cromie
Ex-Chief Chocolate Enrober
 
Posts: 2941
Joined: Tue Aug 18, 2009 10:57 am
Location: Greystones

Re: JOKES ONLY

Postby Rocker » Fri Jan 27, 2017 6:22 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol: my favouite is 20 :lol: :lol:

Best laugh we have had for age. Thanks...... :lol: :lol: :lol:
I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today.
William Allen White
User avatar
Rocker
Globetrotter
 
Posts: 6169
Joined: Wed Dec 21, 2011 12:29 pm
Location: The Rock

Re: JOKES ONLY

Postby Strum » Sun Jan 29, 2017 9:58 pm

A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly the recently married couple's house. She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy."

The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.

Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she replied.

"Needs ironing," he says" "What's for dinner?" :lol:
User avatar
Strum
Administrator
 
Posts: 9587
Joined: Sun Aug 06, 2006 8:03 pm
Location: Sallysupermarket, Thomastown.

Re: JOKES ONLY

Postby Rocker » Sun Jan 29, 2017 10:57 pm

Oh Strum :lol: :lol: :lol:
Send that man to specsavers.
I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today.
William Allen White
User avatar
Rocker
Globetrotter
 
Posts: 6169
Joined: Wed Dec 21, 2011 12:29 pm
Location: The Rock

Re: JOKES ONLY

Postby Strum » Sun Jan 29, 2017 11:34 pm

Rocker wrote: Send that man to specsavers.



He was probably wearing his glasses. :lol:
User avatar
Strum
Administrator
 
Posts: 9587
Joined: Sun Aug 06, 2006 8:03 pm
Location: Sallysupermarket, Thomastown.

Re: JOKES ONLY

Postby Denis Cromie » Mon Jan 30, 2017 2:15 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol:
User avatar
Denis Cromie
Ex-Chief Chocolate Enrober
 
Posts: 2941
Joined: Tue Aug 18, 2009 10:57 am
Location: Greystones

Re: JOKES ONLY

Postby MickR » Sat Apr 22, 2017 3:58 am

Well last week was my birthday. My wife and daughter didn't wish me a happy birthday, my mum didn't wish me a happy birthday my friends and work mate salso didn't wish me a happy birthday. However when I got to the office my Secretary said Happy Birthday Boss. it made me feel a bit special and when she suggested lunch I was putty in her hands. After lunch she invited me back to hers. When we arrived she asked if I minded her going to her room for a few minutes to freshen up. I said that's fine crack on. Five minutes later she emerged with a birthday cake, my wife my mum and daughter, my friends and colleagues all yelling SURPRISE!!!!! Whilst I lay waiting on the sofa ........naked
If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
User avatar
MickR
Regular Member
 
Posts: 81
Joined: Wed Jul 23, 2008 8:54 am
Location: South East Of Dun Laoghaire

Re: JOKES ONLY

Postby Strum » Thu Jun 01, 2017 4:29 pm

Image
User avatar
Strum
Administrator
 
Posts: 9587
Joined: Sun Aug 06, 2006 8:03 pm
Location: Sallysupermarket, Thomastown.

Re: JOKES ONLY

Postby jabra » Thu Jun 01, 2017 5:56 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol:
Jabra
User avatar
jabra
Advanced Member
 
Posts: 318
Joined: Tue Apr 01, 2014 11:20 pm
Location: Near Dan Fagan's cottages

Re: JOKES ONLY

Postby Dancer » Wed Jul 26, 2017 2:04 pm

Joke from Alexa ....

Why is the mushroom always invited to parties ? Because he's a fungi ! :lol:
xx Dancer xx

I was born with an enormous need for affection, and a terrible need to give it.

Audrey Hepburn
User avatar
Dancer
Deliciously,delectable, delightful Dancer
 
Posts: 1933
Joined: Sat Feb 02, 2013 3:05 pm
Location: Beside the seaside :))

Re: JOKES ONLY

Postby Gerald » Thu Jul 27, 2017 12:27 pm

Dancer wrote:Joke from Alexa ....

Why is the mushroom always invited to parties ? Because he's a fungi ! :lol:


Why wasn't the fungi invited to the party? Because there wasn't mushroom.
User avatar
Gerald
Advanced Member
 
Posts: 337
Joined: Sun Jan 05, 2014 3:40 pm

Re: JOKES ONLY

Postby jabra » Thu Jul 27, 2017 3:51 pm

:P :P :P
Jabra
User avatar
jabra
Advanced Member
 
Posts: 318
Joined: Tue Apr 01, 2014 11:20 pm
Location: Near Dan Fagan's cottages

Re: JOKES ONLY

Postby Dancer » Thu Jul 27, 2017 11:34 pm

Gerald wrote:
Dancer wrote:Joke from Alexa ....

Why is the mushroom always invited to parties ? Because he's a fungi ! :lol:


Why wasn't the fungi invited to the party? Because there wasn't mushroom.


I soooo wish I had a comeback but alas I don't :cry:

Did you hear about Motzart the composer ? He's decomposing now ! :lol:

Ok, I'll get my coat !
xx Dancer xx

I was born with an enormous need for affection, and a terrible need to give it.

Audrey Hepburn
User avatar
Dancer
Deliciously,delectable, delightful Dancer
 
Posts: 1933
Joined: Sat Feb 02, 2013 3:05 pm
Location: Beside the seaside :))

Re: JOKES ONLY

Postby Strum » Wed Aug 02, 2017 3:07 pm

Paddy and Murphy are on a Cruise Ship.
Paddy says, wow it's very quiet on deck tonight.
Murphy says, they must be all listening to the Band.
Paddy says, but there's no Band playing tonight.
Murphy says, really, I could have sworn I heard somebody earlier say a Band on Ship. :roll: :mrgreen:
User avatar
Strum
Administrator
 
Posts: 9587
Joined: Sun Aug 06, 2006 8:03 pm
Location: Sallysupermarket, Thomastown.

Re: JOKES ONLY

Postby jabra » Wed Aug 02, 2017 6:00 pm

:lol: :lol:
Jabra
User avatar
jabra
Advanced Member
 
Posts: 318
Joined: Tue Apr 01, 2014 11:20 pm
Location: Near Dan Fagan's cottages

Re: JOKES ONLY

Postby Rocker » Wed Aug 02, 2017 6:56 pm

Strum wrote:Paddy and Murphy are on a Cruise Ship.
Paddy says, wow it's very quiet on deck tonight.
Murphy says, they must be all listening to the Band.
Paddy says, but there's no Band playing tonight.
Murphy says, really, I could have sworn I heard somebody earlier say a Band on Ship. :roll: :mrgreen:


:lol: :lol: bit like myself hard of hearing!!
I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today.
William Allen White
User avatar
Rocker
Globetrotter
 
Posts: 6169
Joined: Wed Dec 21, 2011 12:29 pm
Location: The Rock

Re: JOKES ONLY

Postby Gerald » Wed Aug 02, 2017 9:15 pm

There was a man who entered a local newspaper's pun contest.

He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.

Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
User avatar
Gerald
Advanced Member
 
Posts: 337
Joined: Sun Jan 05, 2014 3:40 pm

Re: JOKES ONLY

Postby jwdalk » Sat Aug 05, 2017 3:29 pm

Out for a walk earlier when I saw a suitcase lying by the side of the road. Curiosity got the better of me so I opened it to find 6 puppies inside. I immediately phoned the RSPCA.

'That's shocking' said the girl when I explained what I'd found, 'are they moving?'

'I don't know', I replied, 'but that would explain the suitcase'.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria
User avatar
jwdalk
Advanced Member
 
Posts: 420
Joined: Wed Jul 20, 2011 11:15 pm
Location: Curitiba, Brazil

Re: JOKES ONLY

Postby Rocker » Sat Aug 05, 2017 6:58 pm

Hey Gerald and JWdalk...those are so funny :lol: Two imbeciles sitting here laughing themselves silly.
I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today.
William Allen White
User avatar
Rocker
Globetrotter
 
Posts: 6169
Joined: Wed Dec 21, 2011 12:29 pm
Location: The Rock

Re: JOKES ONLY

Postby Dancer » Tue Aug 08, 2017 7:11 pm

An older lady was doing some household chores on a beautiful Sunday morning, when she suddenly heard the doorbell ring.

She opened the door to see a well dressed man standing there who said, “Hello, I’m a Jehovah’s Witness, do you have a moment to discuss the Holy Word?”

The lady was in a good mood and had just put on a pot of coffee, so she invited the man in and sat down with him at the kitchen table.

When she offered him a cup of coffee, she noticed that the man looked a little lost.

She asked, “Now, what would you like to talk about, dear?”

The young man replied with a pale and shocked face, “Beats the hell out of me, I’ve never gotten this far…”

:lol: :lol: :lol:
xx Dancer xx

I was born with an enormous need for affection, and a terrible need to give it.

Audrey Hepburn
User avatar
Dancer
Deliciously,delectable, delightful Dancer
 
Posts: 1933
Joined: Sat Feb 02, 2013 3:05 pm
Location: Beside the seaside :))

Re: JOKES ONLY

Postby Micheál » Tue Aug 08, 2017 9:09 pm

Seriously . . .

I once invited a pair of visiting Mormon missionaries into the house and then began to grill them on access to and holdings of their (then quite useful) Genealogical Library in Finglas. They hadn't got a clue and soon departed in a state of bewilderment.

M.
User avatar
Micheál
Skies are Blue
 
Posts: 2423
Joined: Wed Aug 03, 2011 12:13 am
Location: Within the sound of the Hooter

Re: JOKES ONLY

Postby Dancer » Tue Aug 08, 2017 9:25 pm

RUBBISH JOKE OF THE DAY

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said:
"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

... "My wife's."

''What happened to her?"

"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Get in line."

:lol: :lol:
xx Dancer xx

I was born with an enormous need for affection, and a terrible need to give it.

Audrey Hepburn
User avatar
Dancer
Deliciously,delectable, delightful Dancer
 
Posts: 1933
Joined: Sat Feb 02, 2013 3:05 pm
Location: Beside the seaside :))

Re: JOKES ONLY

Postby Denis Cromie » Wed Aug 09, 2017 5:30 pm

Shudden be allowed. :lol: :lol:
User avatar
Denis Cromie
Ex-Chief Chocolate Enrober
 
Posts: 2941
Joined: Tue Aug 18, 2009 10:57 am
Location: Greystones

PreviousNext

Return to JOKES ETC.



Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest