JOKES ONLY

NO JOKING MATTER! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED! PLEASE BE AWARE THAT THERE IS OFFENSIVE LANGUAGE AND IMAGES IN THIS FORUM

Re: JOKES ONLY

Postby keeper » Wed Aug 09, 2017 7:59 pm

Great to see Jokes Only enjoying a mini revival :lol: :lol: keep 'em coming :lol: :lol:
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Re: JOKES ONLY

Postby Dancer » Wed Aug 16, 2017 7:39 pm

Three old ladies – Gertrude, Maude and Tilly – were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation.

Suddenly, a handsome young man dressed only in a trench coat approached them from across the park. He was holding his coat together with his hands and didn’t seem to be wearing anything underneath it.

The young man came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat in one quick motion, revealing his naked body.

Gertrude immediately had a stroke.

Then Maude also had a stroke.

But Tilly, bless her heart, being older and more feeble, couldn’t quite reach that far.

:lol: :lol: :lol: hellllo
xx Dancer xx

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Re: JOKES ONLY

Postby Toss » Wed Aug 16, 2017 8:03 pm

Dancer wrote:Three old ladies – Gertrude, Maude and Tilly – were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation.

Suddenly, a handsome young man dressed only in a trench coat approached them from across the park. He was holding his coat together with his hands and didn’t seem to be wearing anything underneath it.

The young man came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat in one quick motion, revealing his naked body.

Gertrude immediately had a stroke.

Then Maude also had a stroke.

But Tilly, bless her heart, being older and more feeble, couldn’t quite reach that far.

:lol: :lol: :lol: hellllo


:lol: :lol: :lol: you forgot about cross eyed Betty, thay had to tell her to pull the other one :roll:
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Re: JOKES ONLY

Postby Rocker » Wed Aug 16, 2017 10:00 pm

Stop it you lot with the smut!!

Here is a clean one told by Pat Kenny on the radio..

What is the difference between a house and a home??

answer...the home is where the children put the parents when they want the house!! johndllle
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Re: JOKES ONLY

Postby Dancer » Sun Sep 03, 2017 4:54 pm

7 year old little Johnny comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores.

“Not yet,” said little Johnny.

“There’ll be no breakfast until you’ve done your chores, young man,” she tells him.

Little Johnny gets a little sulky at this, so when he goes to feed the chickens, he kicks one of them to take out his frustration on something.

He goes to feed the cows, and while doing so he kicks a cow. On the way back to the house he goes to feed the pigs, and kicks a pig who happens to get in his way.

He goes back in for breakfast, but to his surprise his mother only gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

“How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon? Why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?” he asks.

“Well,” his mother says, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren’t getting any milk for a week.”

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and almost trips over the cat. His father regains his balance, turns around and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

Little Johnny looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, “Are you going to tell him, or should I?”

:twisted:
xx Dancer xx

I was born with an enormous need for affection, and a terrible need to give it.

Audrey Hepburn
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Re: JOKES ONLY

Postby stillorgan boy » Sat Sep 16, 2017 4:57 pm

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"
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Re: JOKES ONLY

Postby Toss » Sat Sep 16, 2017 7:32 pm

stillorgan boy wrote:I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"


Welcome back SB, where have you been ????

Borderline pun but ...... Vegans think butchers are gross, but I think someone selling fruit and veg is grocer :P
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Re: JOKES ONLY

Postby stillorgan boy » Sat Sep 16, 2017 8:32 pm

Not long back after working away and living back in the Borough now.
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Re: JOKES ONLY

Postby Rocker » Sat Sep 16, 2017 9:09 pm

stillorgan boy wrote:Not long back after working away and living back in the Borough now.


Great to have you back Stillorgan Boy wuu wuu
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Re: JOKES ONLY

Postby stillorgan boy » Sun Sep 17, 2017 8:37 am

Thanks a million.
You're never fully dressed without a smile !
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Re: JOKES ONLY

Postby Denis Cromie » Sun Sep 17, 2017 8:22 pm

Good to hear from you Stillorgan Boy.
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Re: JOKES ONLY

Postby stillorgan boy » Sun Sep 17, 2017 8:50 pm

Thanks Denis, good to be back.
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Re: JOKES ONLY

Postby Strum » Wed Sep 27, 2017 2:03 pm

Image




:roll: :roll: :roll: :lol:
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Re: JOKES ONLY

Postby Strum » Wed Sep 27, 2017 2:04 pm

:roll: :roll: :roll: :lol:



Image
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Re: JOKES ONLY

Postby keeper » Sat Sep 30, 2017 11:23 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: Poor Paddy :cry: always the fall guy :cry:
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Re: JOKES ONLY

Postby Holla » Sun Oct 01, 2017 11:06 am

Flocking ejit
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Re: JOKES ONLY

Postby stillorgan boy » Sun Oct 01, 2017 6:08 pm

Do you ever get that when you're half way through eating a horse and you think to yourself, 'I'm not as hungry as I thought I was
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Re: JOKES ONLY

Postby Rocker » Sun Oct 01, 2017 11:33 pm

stillorgan boy wrote:Do you ever get that when you're half way through eating a horse and you think to yourself, 'I'm not as hungry as I thought I was


:lol: :lol: :lol: Good to have you back stillorgan boy :lol: :lol:
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Re: JOKES ONLY

Postby Denis Cromie » Mon Oct 02, 2017 9:13 am

:lol: :lol:
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Re: JOKES ONLY

Postby stillorgan boy » Mon Oct 02, 2017 1:09 pm

Thanks Rocker.
You're never fully dressed without a smile !
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Re: JOKES ONLY

Postby stillorgan boy » Mon Oct 02, 2017 1:15 pm

“I went in to a pet shop. I said, ‘Can I buy a goldfish?’ The guy said, ‘Do you want an aquarium?’ I said, ‘I don’t care what star sign it is.'” !
You're never fully dressed without a smile !
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Re: JOKES ONLY

Postby keeper » Tue Oct 03, 2017 7:11 pm

Would a Pisces suffice SB :shock: :roll: good to have ya back wuu
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Re: JOKES ONLY

Postby stillorgan boy » Tue Oct 03, 2017 9:50 pm

Thanks Keeper.
You're never fully dressed without a smile !
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Re: JOKES ONLY

Postby Strum » Sun Oct 29, 2017 7:07 pm

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. The wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need on his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party.

In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every woman he could find and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather sexy babe herself he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little fun.

Just before unmasking at midnight she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked if he danced much. He said, "I never danced once. Pete, Bill and I went into the den and played poker all night. But the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time.
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Re: JOKES ONLY

Postby stillorgan boy » Sun Oct 29, 2017 7:13 pm

Nice one !
You're never fully dressed without a smile !
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